Hey! How’s it going?
First a disclaimer, this is not an accusation of wrongdoing or any such witchhunt, merely my needing to open up and reach out to the support I once called friends, because, now that I’ve had time to process it, I can finally address the feelings I have without the attendant aggression or other significantly negative feelings about things. So, yeah, please, just listen, maybe a kind word or two if you have them. And as of this time next month, this will all be over. After all, I’ve got things to do, and places to be, stuff to study and things to learn, or not or something.
But first I have to journal.
This won’t be too long but it will be a little long, since I need to get some stuff done here before I can head to bed, and the baby might wake up.
So, this week started with one of these:
First I was again called about a server error and some backup issues that had cropped up. This was Monday. Then I was e-mailed and asked to ‘make some time’ for a face to face meeting on Tuesday morning. Keep in mind that fresh off of spending a month tending to my 8 year old due to bladder and kidney issues, I was now tending almost full time to my wife and the rest of the family since she was 8.5 months pregnant and had been basically unable to even walk for the last month, let alone anything else, so yeah, while she was in the hospital -yet again- for tests and other such, I was called in for a meeting at which I was told “this isn’t working for us” and that I was being dismissed without cause. Now, don’t get me wrong, but I really didn’t need that extra stress on me at that time, but such is life. So, that was fun. Laid off after ten years. Those ten years were pretty awesome, and I appreciate the support I did receive from them during that time, but this was poorly executed. I was hoping to come in and arrange for leave of absence due to stress leave for a few months to a year, I’d be out of their hair, nobody would have to worry about me or even what’s happening with me, and I could care for my wife, new baby and the taller boy while he went through his changes and surgeries and such…
Well, now I have the time I suppose.
So here’s a picture I personally took tonight, the ashes of my dreams…
Intellectually I know that nothing can last forever, but this employment seemed to be able to weather the difficult parts. I am literally one course away from finishing my CGA Designation, and now what? I had one final assignment due Wednesday. I was laid off Tuesday, and had a brand new baby boy on Wednesday mornig at 4:33 am. Here’s a pic of him.
His name’s Breandan Robert Casey. He’s perfect, and right now he’s sleeping, thank God.
So I sent in my assignment, praying that I managed enough points on it to qualify to write the exam which is in June ish. Yeah, that’s approaching fast.
So, in short, Monday, handed a crisis way way way above my pay grade,
Tuesday, laid off without cause, severance package was cool, feelings of betrayal and being sold out were a little harder to deal with…
Wednesday, Baby Boy Breandan born bright and early, Assignment fudged and sent in, praying not to screw it up too bad and praying that I can write the exam and pass this fecking mess so that I’m done with it.
I need to talk to a head wiser than my own… gah! Anyhow, yes, a gift from heaven, named him Breandan. The week from hell, and you know what they say. If you’re going through hell, keep on going,
Cheers and DFTBA, I’ve got work to do, let’s rock this!
Just like when my grandma goes to start a new project knitting socks and toques for everyone, she gather’s wool, so here I sit, planning and thinking on a project, and gathering wool…
And again, crammed in between, ‘you have to do this stuff’ and ‘you’re supposed to be doing that right now’
I find myself sitting, thinking, and feeling like the edges are coming unravelled. I’ve considered trying to go back to the Al-anon blogging thing, but that seems rather pointless. Yeah it’s a structure to regain one’s life, when faced with the intrusive and destructive forces of alcoholism in life, or other forms of addiction, but my issues such as they are, are mostly NOT from addiction, so where to start and how to approach it?
Anyhow, I’ll see if I can manage to get my head around this after getting the kids off to school and maybe take a moment to sit at work and pound out the rest of the thoughts… God bless you all and may you have an amazing Monday. Duke.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to roust some kids out of bed for school. Wish me luck.
Nothing to add, just.. awesome Lily…
Originally posted on Aspiring Lily:
Hey World. Happy New Year.
I have been trying for weeks to find the words to write this blog. Well not just this blog, but any blog. I wanted to write about Christmas, New Years and the basic month of December in general but every time I sat down the words just didn’t come. They didn’t form or flow so I just sighed and shut it down.
Words are very important to me. They mean a lot and yet I still have yet to master the art of them. I still say things that hurt, things I regret and I sure swear a lot more than I think Jesus would like. Yet this holiday season has made it abundantly clear that, despite the flaws with my words, they’re doing something right. They are something people listen to and that is a gift.
Yes, I have a gift. I’m slowly seeing…
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New Year, same hair, See?
Yep. 2015. Hardly surprising since everything is so connected these days, and guess what? I’ve not been able to do a damned thing without being bombarded with the customary “Happy New Year!” and resolution posts online. Not that such things are bad, it’s just rather cluttered when trying to find the posts I am actually looking for. So, to get it out to everybody whom I’ve not actually physically met in the last few days:
Happy New Year
Season’s Greetings and all that jazz
(for those of you who don’t do the whole believe in God thing, it’s ok, he still believes in you)
Anyhow, now that that’s out of the way, I’m glad to see you here, I really am. It validates my own egocentric worldview, kinda. Regardless, where to start?
There are so many things I want to get down here in pixels, for the record, at the beginning of the year.
First, I currently weigh about 275 pounds, and I’d like to change that so a moderate goal is to eat better (less crap, more veggies), and to move more.
Secondly, time to focus on getting some of these damned stories finished and published so I can actually sell them.
Thirdly, there’s lots of work to do, so I’ll leave this off and get back to it now. Cheers. DFTBA.
Lily hit the mark with this post, enjoy.
Originally posted on Aspiring Lily:
Life is short.
There are some of us that know this more than others. There are some of us who understand that the world revolves around so much more than just what we think and feel is important. The world is vast and we have a tiny amount of time, amidst a sea of others, to live our short span with some form of meaning.
Emma Watson gave a speech at the U.N. that resonated with me, especially when she said, “If not me, than who? If not now, then when?”
I have the drive to do more with my life than just settle in my bubble and be comfortable. We have the ability to reach out and touch lives through our words and actions. We have the ability to change the world, one person at a time – but it requires we open ourselves up to others and that…
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How’s that for a title? Truthfully life’s a little like that title, looking backwards is just going to get you headache and maybe heartache, maybe.
Jumping topics, I took my blood pressure just now and guess what?!? it was 145 over 100, with a pulse of 85, resting and sitting here, with nothing going on, and no conscious pressures that I am experiencing except the stress of submitting that first assignment.
And jump again, I set up the kids breakfast, and though that I should try something a little more healthy that sugared cereal. So I made toast and eggs fried without anything in/on them (non-stick pan, so even the butter in the pan was missing), and I put it on the table, and was promptly asked by the older two, ‘where’s mine?” so as my eggs sat cooling into rubber, I cooked them some, with toast because they roll like that. Now, as I finish up plating their eggs, the youngest who’s said all along that he’s not interested in eating any more food, sits down and starts to eat my plate of eggs, without so much as a by your leave. So breakfast this morning is a slab of homemade whole wheat toast with peanut butter, and black decaf coffee, and likely a chunk of left over porkchop from a dinner a couple of nights ago.
Now, back to topic, since I got that off my chest, this blog as been far too ranty and whiney lately, and I’m going to see what I can do about cleaning that up, there’s enough depressing shit in this world, I don’t need to add to it. But for now, I have weight to lose, weights to lift, and an assignment to study/prepare for submission for Tuesday. While the kids are distracted however, I’ve got exercise to do.
Cheers and DFTBA.
*PS. Who the fuck am I anymore? if you have an answer please let me know, I seem to have lost myself of late.
A picture of a full moon, taken with a cellphone. Not the best picture I’ve ever taken.
Anyhow, tonight is the beginning of a new phase of my life for now. I’ve deactivated the Book of Face as well as various other social connection type sites for the sake of marital harmony… I am not sure at this point what to do . It’s late, I”m tired, and tomorrow is going to start in like six hours, so following my own advice here, I think it’s time for me to go to bed, even if I don’t feel welcome there right now. I’m so tired of being her default target, and so tired of living this life like nobody gives a shit if I’m still breathing, so long as the money’s flowing and the chores get done.
Anyhow, just for sake of simplicity, if you’ve noted me missing on Tumblr, Book of Face, or Fitocracy, well, I”m no there anymore. Cheers. now to go drown my sorrows in a vat of Meade. Goodnight moon.